


hopeless(ly in love with you)

by SightlessHue



Series: punch the ocean [2]
Category: IZONE (Band), Produce 48 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Yulyen, izone - Freeform, yena is dumb, yena is oblivious, yuri is a sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 11:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19208482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SightlessHue/pseuds/SightlessHue
Summary: soulmates might be rocket science, but falling in love isn’t.





	hopeless(ly in love with you)

**Author's Note:**

> so this is kinda horrible and i’m putting this out there in hopes someone will enjoy it because this was written months apart and i’m sorry for any inconsistencies or mistakes... also i have no idea how to make italics or bold on this thing so i’m sorry
> 
> and also it’s part of a series, but this can be read alone!!

“mama! what is this?” yena jumps up and reaches for her mother, who towers over her.

“what is it, sweetie?” her mother hums and crouches down so that she’s at eye level with yena.

“this!” yena sticks out her index finger and focuses her eyes on it. her eyes are crossing and her tongue is sticking out.

“that!” yena jumps excitedly when the red thread on her finger tugs. she giggles because it’s ticklish, it grazes her skin lightly and it’s a ghost of a feeling, like it’s there but not really.

her mother just stares at her, unsure of what her daughter is looking at.

“can you explain to me, yena?” her mother sweetly asks, carrying yena into her arms. yena frowns and pouts. why couldn’t she see the thread on her finger.

“it’s a rwed string!” yena babbles excitedly, her eyes gleaming. “it moves and it’s ticklish.” 

her words are accompanied by a giggle.

her mother’s eyes softens when she realises what her daughter is talking about. she had spent most of her life studying about soulmates, she’s interested in the art of it and how it works. and the thread, it’s a way they’re connected. she has heard of it, however not experiencing it herself.

“yena, why don’t you go and colour first? you can draw me the string,” her mother says sweetly, her daughter beaming as her tiny legs push herself to run and grab the closest piece of paper.

 

—

 

yena is 8 when her mother decided to explain to her the meaning of the red string that bounds her finger tightly. her mother felt bad for making yena wait so long, but she wasn’t sure if the string was just a figment of yena’s imagination.

“yena, do you know what soulmates are?” her mother asks, as she hugs her daughter to her chest. she’s shifting around on her lap, trying to find a comfortable position and her face is scrunches up as if considering her question.

“we all have souls!” yena says instead, distracted by the light pink colour of her mother’s bed. 

“you’re right,” her mother chuckled underneath her breath. “but soulmates are special.”

at this, yena stops squiggling around and turns around to look at her mother. 

“special?” yena asks with her eyes wide and innocent. “special!”

“yes, special.” her mother sighed and leaned her head on her daughter’s. “when you have a soulmate, you’re connected to them for life.”

“for life?” yena pouts as she considers this. “forever?”

“yes, forever.” her mother laughs. “it’s when two people are connected, in one way or another, that’s when people are soulmates.”

“wow,” her daughter breaths out, her eyes sparkling as she looks at her mother in wonder. “were you and daddy soulmates?”

her mother frowns at this, and yena thinks she’s said something wrong. her smile drops immediately.

“sorry,” yena mumbled quietly, she doesn’t know what she’s quite apologising for, but she’s sad.

“no, it’s fine yena.” her mother smiles softly at her. “but that red string of yours? on the other side, there is a soulmate waiting for you.”

yena’s breath hitches and her tiny jaw opens. she inhales and squeaks.

“really?” yena beams. “i have someone for life?”

her mother laughs and nods her head. 

“you do.”

 

-

 

yena’s falling asleep, her eyelashes are fluttering close and her eyelids are weighing down on her. she just about to drift into unconsciousness when there’s a tug on her index finger. it’s nothing new, but this time, the tug is stronger. then, there’s a burning feeling. 

yena shoots up and screeches in pain. the burning sensation doesn’t stop. it just grows and yena lifts her finger to look at it. the red thread, it was fading. slowly at first before it disappears. and when it had disappeared, the burning sensation stopped. there was no longer a thread tying her to her other half.

yena doesn’t sleep that night.

——

she gets brought to a doctor the next morning, and the doctor tells her that her soulmate is gone. 

the word echos in her head and it’s the only thing she hears on the way back home. she isn’t really sure what she does when she gets back home. everything is a blur and yena doesn’t remember crying, she just feels numb all over because she’s just lost her other half.

staring into the darkness of her room, she’ll think about how fate has cut off her soulmate, as if a message to yena that she was never going to find love.

so that was what she believed.

-

yena is a full sixteen years old when she thinks she likes someone. it’s a small inkling that starts as a fear but turns into something sweeter, like infatuation.

she never quite understands why she falls for her, just knowing that the girl was pretty and quiet, the way she was silent the entire of lessons, but the second lessons end, she’s surrounded by countless friends. she’s buried underneath all of them and yena never dug a hole to find the girl underneath.

it’s just infatuation, right?

but infatuation soon turns into crush, crush soon turns into friends, friends turn into i-have-unrequited-feelings-for-my-project-partner.

“yena, you’re doing this all wrong.” the girl huffs and crosses her arms. “it’s basic maths, dude, how?”

“it’s difficult!” yena would whine and kick in frustration, her eyebrows turned downwards and eyes an unnatural shade of disgust.

“why not we just eat ice cream?” yena asks, and she knows she’ll give in because it’s food. “hyewon, you never say no to food.”

“i will say no this time.” hyewon says sternly, but in her eyes, that’s a sprinkle of hesitance. “after this question.”

“no!” yena whines and falls into the brown carpeted floor. they were sitting on the floor anyways, books propped onto yena’s light pink duvet.

“come on...” hyewon pleads. yena frowns because now she’s pouting and she looks sort of cute and maybesheshouldntbethinkingofherbestfriendlikethat — shut up brain.

“okay, fine.” yena gives in because she’s weak, and because she didn’t have ice cream in her fridge anyways. (or perhaps she just didn’t want to accept that she was whipped)

“great!” hyewon grins and leans over so that she’s looking over yena’s shoulder. “do it.”

yena would follow her instructions but she feels hyewon’s eyes that are watching her every move and the butterflies that shouldn’t be in her stomach are now swarming and yena may or may not be blushing.

“why is your face so red?” hyewon raises an eyebrow and points to yena’s cheek, poking it with her index finger. yena’s sure her face turns a shade darker after that.

“math makes me infuriated.” yena pushes the book away and abruptly stands up. “let’s go and get ice cream!”

“yena you said one question.” hyewon deadpans, but despite her words, she stands up and follows her, because ice cream.

(yena likes to think that it was because of her but she knew that was never true)

“mint chocolate chip!” yena chirps happily, turning to hyewon and winks.

“yucks yena.” hyewon pretends to puke. “you disgust me.”

and yena laughs.

because it’s easy like that.

 

-

 

she’s seventeen when she realises it’ll never work out. 

in a world where yena is sure of them, hyewon isn’t.

hyewon never was quite sure if she wanted yena, giving her mixed signals every single time, and perhaps yena realised that it wasn’t working out.

the breaking up wasn’t dramatic, there weren’t any fights, crying (maybe there was), or screaming involved. just a quiet affair, like when a lightbulb flickers before it eventually dims, before shutting off completely.

except she never buys a new lightbulb, just sits and basks in the darkness. she trips over sometimes, because she’s left pieces of herself lying everywhere, but she’s fine.

no one dies from a love that never was.

 

-

 

it’s a little over a month when yena realises, she’s not that okay at all. she sees the scraps of paper that’s lying everywhere, sketches of the same face over and over again.

(she ends up throwing them into the recycling bin)

she’s lying down, back pressed against the cold floor of her house, eyes clouding over. she huffs before throwing herself upwards, the sudden movement hurting her back, but she stands up either way, her hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

she doesn’t hesitate before throwing the door open and running down the steps to her living room, shouting a “i’m going to yujin’s” to her mother before she’s going out of the house.

yena runs to her house, her flip flops clapping against the ground unsteadily, rush obvious by how loud the sounds are. yujin’s house was just a couple houses down the road anyway.

when she reaches, her hair is in a mess and sweat lined her forehead, despite the short distance. she knocked on the door hurriedly, and when the door flung open, yujin’s mother was smiling kindly at yena.

“hello! may i see yujin?” yujin’s mother smiled kindly and let the panting girl in, already too used to seeing yena around in her house to really pay any attention.

“yes, honey, she’s in her room.” her voice hums, and she closes the door behind yena.

“thank you!” yena bows before she’s running up the stairs, and throwing her friend’s door open.

it’s a moment of silence when the door slams open and yujin jumps in her seat, her hair tied into a messy bun, laptop opened in front of her and chips to her side. she’s holding on to a piece of potato chip when she turns around in her chair, her body facing yena.

“oh how the turns have tabled.” yujin says as she pushes up the round glasses that sits on her face and throws the chip that was in her hand into her mouth.

the crunching sound fills the silence and they’re staring at each other before yujin starts frowning and leaning forward in her chair.

“what’s wrong, yena?” her voice comes out soft this time, a stark contrast to how it was only a few seconds ago.

“i don’t know,” yena’s voice comes out unsure, her face pale and beads of sweat roll down her forehead.

“come in, yen, it isn’t your first time here.” yujin says kindly and rolls her chair towards yena. on second thought, she ditches her chair and jumps onto the bed together with yena.

“just pour your feelings out, like orange juice.” yujin hums head leaning on yena’s shoulder, both of them staring at the light brown wall of yujin’s room.

“how?” yena asked, her mouth too dry to really croak anything. yujin hummed and tilted her head. 

“just like how you always do,” yujin tells her. “ramble.”

yena leans her head on yujin’s before her mouth is opening and closing multiple times, no sound coming out.

yujin knows yena sucks with words, that’s why she likes to draw. yujin knew yena was going to be an art kid the first time the met when they were 6 at a kindergarten and their fingers too small to hold the big crayons. friendship came in the form of broken crayons and coloured t-shirts, tiny statures turn into yujin being significantly taller than yena.

(yujin would know, because she uses every chance she gets to measure their height, smirking when she’s taller. but she’s always taller anyway)

happy smiles and innocent eyes that turn into frowns as they grow, innocence that fades away after the years.

“i just feel like shit.” yena says after awhile and yujin snorts. 

“wanna watch something? to make you feel less like shit,” yujin says, and her tone isn’t mocking, it never is, and yena nods, agreeing.

they end up watching a very depressing series of Goblin, because phantom sadness covers up the blue, because someone else’s pain is less terrifying than facing your own.

 

-

 

college is scary, but feelings are scarier. When yena meets a girl with brown bangs, ripped jeans and a blue smile, red shatters around her because emotions are difficult. Now, this should sound really romantic but it really isn’t.

no one likes college, but its an unspoken rule to not ruin someone else’s life while you’re busy catching the shit life throws at you. except shit comes hurling at her in the most dramatic way possible, the way a girl in lavender off-shoulders and a messy bun with round glasses sitting (slipping) off her nose as her shoulder hits into yena’s. 

“sorry!” the girl immediately stutters out while yena watches slowly with a raised eyebrow. “shit i’m real sorry! I’ll buy you new pants!”

yena isn’t sure why her chest flares with irritation, probably because she was in a particularly bad mood. but her eye twitches and fingers clench tightly into a fist. “Its fine.”

(yena doesn’t realise the flare in her chest isn’t all that red)

“huh?” the girl looks up. yena points her chin down at her and sees the milk that has been absorbed by her jeans and sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “i’ll buy new jeans, i promise!”

“I said its fine.” yena grits her teeth and shuts her eyes tightly. “I’ll go now.”

yena isn’t mean. that is not the right adjective to describe her. she’s usually the cheery one but really, she’s having a shit day and she really cannot be bothered. her shit day (thanks to her art professor) is further emphasised as she walks back to her dorm with soaked jeans.

“i’d want to know why but you have the scary face on and i’m a little more than scared.” yujin says as soon as yena enters the dorm, feet dragging her weight along. its when yena turns around that yujin opens her mouth in an ‘o’. 

“i was not expecting that,” yujin says and yena can really tell she’s trying to hold back laughter by the way her eyes are crinkling just slightly and and she’s biting her cheeks.

“you can laugh,” yena rolls her eyes when yujin throws her head back and booming laughter echos across the room.

“why do i tolerate you,” yena mutters as she fetches some (fresh) pants to change into.

“because you love me!” yujin snickers. “really though, why do you have milk on your jeans, you don’t even like milk.”

“yujin, i’m lactose intolerant.” yena says again as her eye twitches a second time that day, rolling her eyes again when yujin laughs. she never rolls her eyes with malice, though.

“some girl spilt it on me.” yena says as she grimaces, stepping into the toilet to change before she can even hear yujin’s obnoxious laughter.

(she still ends up hearing it anyway, it’s loud)

“what’s got you in such a shit mood anyway?” yujin asks when yena steps out of the toilet. she’s supporting her head with her hands and grinning up at yena. yena narrows her eyes at her before throwing herself into her own bed and groaning.

“the shit professor is a big dickhead,” yena says into the pillow. 

“aw, him again?” yujin asks. 

“i’m pretty sure he hates me, he keeps picking on me.” yena whines and flips herself over, picking up her soft toy ducky as she goes. she lifts it up with both her hands.

“sergeant flurry, what do you think about this.” yena says with a monotone voice. she sees yujin rolling her eyes but she chooses not to care as she brings down her hands and hugs sergeant flurry.

“sergeant flurry said he does not give a fuck.” yujin comments.

“don’t you have things to do?” yena asks, turning around. “like tending to lieutenant fluckerbuckets?” 

“yena, it’s a soft toy puppy.” yujin rolls her eyes as she sits up on her bed, crossing her legs. “besides, i think he’s having fun by the side of my bed.”

“you put him on the bedside table!” yena gasps loudly as she tentatively scoops up the fluffy dog and places her back on yujin’s bed. “don’t mistreat him like that, you evil witch!” 

“me? evil witch?” yujin points to herself and scoffs. “i didn’t even want it.”

“shhh fluckerbuckets can hear you!” yena glares hard at yena. “i told you we were raising children together yujin, you can’t say that to your child.”

“yeah, yeah,” yujin blows her fringe out of her face. “i’m bored, yen yen, can we go out? please?”

“okay!” yena sits up abruptly. “we’re eating ice cream!”

yujin snorts at her friend’s abrupt excitement. her mood changes really aren’t surprising anymore.

“sure,” yujin grins as she too, sits up.

 

—

 

“yena, if you stare any longer you’ll burn a hole in her face.” yujin points out as she licks the ice cream off the spoon. when yena doesn’t respond, she pokes at yena’s arm with her spoon.

“yucks,” yena says as she pulls back her arms abruptly and glares at yujin. “why would you do that!”

“you weren’t listening,” yujin shrugs. but she leans closer, elbow on the surface of the table as her hand supports her head. she tilts her head to the right. “don’t tell me you like yuri.”

“who’s that?” yena asks distractedly, her hands busy with the cotton candy ice cream that is suddenly more interesting than the girl she was staring at before.

“the girl you’re not-so-subtly glaring at,” yujin says as she relaxes and leans her body back into the red pillowy chair they were seated on.

“you know her?” yena frowns and pokes at her ice cream. “i don’t like her.”

“that’s a first,” yujin raised an eyebrow and turns to the left, watching the other corner of the room where yuri was laughing with another girl. “we’ve talked a few times, she’s nice, went out with lunch with her once.”

yena splutters.

“you’re joking,” yena says, her eyes wide. “she’s the ass that spilt milk on me.”

yujin pauses, stares at yena’s expression, and puts her spoon down. then, a loud snort escapes her mouth and she’s snickering.

“shbshshsshhhh,” yena shushes her, her index finger in front of yujin’s face. “don’t be so loud.”

“sorry,” yujin wheezes as she catches her breath. “you. don’t like the campus sweetheart?”

“what? campus sweetheart?” yena asks, confused. 

“dude, my man, look okay, she’s like, the most adorable and sweetest person, after myself of course, that i have ever met,” yujin says, her spoon waving around as she speaks. “she’s baby.”

“um… and? if she’s the ‘campus sweetheart’ then why have i never heard of her?” yena asks, her foot tapping on the ground. 

“i’ve been trying to tell you for the past few months…” yujin sighs. “do you remember when i said ‘yena, have you seen the girl that looks like cotton candy’ and you said ‘no’?”

“um… maybe?” 

(she doesn’t)

“yeah, well that’s her.” yujin says as a matter of factly. “and you don’t like her.”

“i don’t,” yena repeats, her eyes narrowing. “do you like her or something why are you so defensive?”

yujin snorts.

“nah, she’s just too sweet to be hated on.” yujin wrinkles her nose and sits upright. “also, munch up, your ice cream is melting.”

“ugh it kinda looks like you,” yena makes a disgusted face and sticks out her tongue.

“oh god shut up, yena.”

 

—

 

fuck.

oh wait.

nope nevermind fuck.

yena curses as she stands at the counter. it’s a lazy friday in the diner she works in, basically no one here.

the cafe was specially designed for students who wanted to achieve the perfect aesthetic and wanted to study there. so, normally, there were a whole lot of students here.

but it’s friday and everyone decides to go somewhere to have fun, right?

except yena’s pretty confident yuri has just stepped into the cafe with a girl that looks about a head taller than her and yena is slightly more than annoyed.

but professionalism, she reminds herself and takes a deep breath before she smiling widely. the two girls, too immersed in their conversation to even notice that yena was standing there, at the counter, obviously.

“hello, what can i get you?” yena says when they’re close enough to the counter, and yena can see the surprise in yuri’s face. her eyes are wide open and her jaw drops. 

today, she’s wearing a mint green top and some white denim shorts, her hair tied into a ponytail. the other girl is wearing an oversized hoodie and some jeans, her hair let down.

“it’s you!” yuri points to yena at the counter and yena sighs inwardly, hoping to get this conversation over and done with.

“yes, it’s me, what would you like to order.” yena grumbles under her breath and kicks the tiles in the floor. she immediately regrets what she says because she sees a glare from the other girl.

“what did you say-” the girl grits out of her clenched jaw.

“wonyoung, it’s fine, but i owe you right? a pants? could you give me your number so i could at least give it to you?” yuri asks in a flurry of questions. she can see the taller girl giving side glances to yuri before she sees a light bulb go off in her head.

“you heard her, she’s trying to be nice so stop being a dickhead and just give her your number.” the girl says, boredom evident in her voice.

“i said it was fine,” yena says instead, her face in a frown.

“yena, quit being mean to the customers,” a voice comes from behind yena and she resists the urge to roll her eyes.

“but-” yena whirls around to see an angry sakura behind her, hands on her hips like a mother. “go in the kitchen and wait okay, i’m not letting this go.”

“urlgh,” yena huffs our but storms away to the kitchen.

“sorry, she normally doesn’t throw tantrums, i don’t know what’s got in to her.” sakura bows in apology but there’s a frown on her face, her mind whirling with reasons why yena would be like this. this was a first.

“no, it’s my fault, i spilt milk on her the other day and i’ve been trying to get her number so i could return her new pants, because i feel bad.” the girl says with a glum look on her face, and sakura recognised her as the campus sweetheart, jo yuri.

“oh? her number?” sakura asks, slightly interested now, leaning forward in the counter. “to return pants?”

“yeah?” yuri says confusedly, head tilting to a side. 

“i’ll give you her number,” sakura says without much, pulling a napkin from the corner of the counter and pulls out her phone to search for yena’s contact.

“uhh are you sure that’s alright? i don’t want to bother her-”

“oh, don’t worry, it’s totally fine, yena’s a huge softie but i don’t know what’s gotten into her, she’ll forgive you… not me but you.” sakura shrugs and jots down the numbers with a pen.

“kura?” the door to the counter swings open and a wild yujin appears, a confused look on her face. “i thought it was yena’s shift today?”

“go to the back, yujin, i’ve got this. yena is in the timeout corner,” sakura throws yujin a glance and waves her off, passing the napkin to yuri.

“oh, yuri? hello!” yujin waves to her, the confused look still not leaving her face.

“hi, yujin.” yuri smiles back, her hands fiddling with a napkin before it’s slipping into her bag.

“yena is in the timeout corner without me?” yujin raises an eyebrow and frowns. “but she isn’t allowed to do dumb shit without me.”

“she was being mean to the customers,” sakura calls with a roll of her eyes, snorting when she sees the look on yujin’s face. but then her glance shifts to yuri and something clicks in yujin’s head.

“is she really still holding on to that grudge?” yujin murmurs under her breath before pushing the door to the back open and seeing a fuming yena standing there.

“really, why would someone do that. why am i getting so angry.” yujin raises an eyebrow as she watches yena have a mental breakdown. “i think i’m going insane.”

“yena?” yujin calls. yena raises her head to meet yujin’s confused eyes.

“i really don’t like that yuri girl,” yena says sighing and closing her eyes, hands reaching out to pinch the bridge of her nose.

yena doesn’t get like this often, anger isn’t a second home. 

“are you okay?” yujin asks, hands stretching out to ruffle yena’s hair. 

“i’m fine,” yena sighs. “she just really infuriates me.”

“yena, maybe you should give her a chance, you know she’s actually nice, right?” yujin points out, her thinking face on.

maybe it if we’re that simple, yena doesn’t know why she even feels so angry at yuri. it was just spilt milk, nothing much. except there’s burning in her chest every time she sees yuri and she throws that to a box labelled ‘annoyed’, because only anger creates sizzles.

“yeah, no,” yena says, frowning. “i’d rather not, thank you very, very much.”

“awww c’mon she’s actually nice!” yujin says a beam on her face. “really, i would’ve dragged her to meet you earlier but i’m shy.”

“shy?” yena scoffs. there were a lot of words to describe yena, shy isn’t one of them.

“yes,” yujin rolls her eyes. “she’s the campus sweetheart after all, everyone swoons over her.”

“yeah okay,” yena says unconvinced. “what does that have got to do with me?”

“nothing,” yujin shrugs. “but it’d be nice if you actually talked to her.”

“haha i’d rather not, sweetie.” yena says calmly.

“you won’t?” yujin asks and yena shakes her head firmly. 

then i’ll make you.

—

[yuding has added +192221001]

[yuding has added +192180501]

[yuding has added yenanana]

[yuding:]  
hello! this is yujin btw

[+192221001]  
hello? this is yuri?

[+192180501]  
hi this is wonyoung :)

[yenanana:]  
i’m… yena?

[yena has saved +192221001 as don’t contact]

[yena has saved +192180501 as wonyoung]

[don’t contact:]  
oh! it’s you haha i have to return  
you pants hehe i was going to  
contact you first but i guess  
yujin beat me to it haha

[wonyoung:]  
oh it’s you…

[yena has changed wonyoung to scary]

[scary:]  
i’d open one eye while  
i sleep if i were you

[don’t contact:]  
don’t listen to her she’s  
joking hehe

[scary:]  
jokes? what do you take  
me for

[yuding:]  
haha anyway

i invited y’all to this gc  
because i think we’d make  
great friends and great  
company

[scary:]  
you’re nice, yujin,  
no doubt but yena?

[yenanana:]  
yes????

[scary:]  
nothing :)

[yuding:]  
how about we meet at the  
cafe?

[don’t contact:]  
now?

[yuding:]  
for dinner?

[don’t contact:]  
sure! ☺️

[scary:]  
hm sure

[yenanana:]  
ummm okay sure…?

yena reaches first, her wallet and phone sitting just beside her, on the table. she was mindlessly scrolling through twitter, probably grinning like an idiot too. but she quirks up when she hears someone entering her booth, their bag hitting the wooden chair loudly.

“yu-” yena beams and looks up to be greeted with not yujin’s face.

(but in all fairness, her name started with yu anyway)

“not yujin,” yena nodded after five seconds, her excitement being trampled down like sand being scattered onto fire. she heaves and lets out a sigh, great.

“why don’t you like me that much?” yuri asks timidly after the air gets too awkward, yena wants to shrill up into a cocoon and stay there forever, butterfly wings be damned.

yena leans forward, seeing how yuri’s eyes widen in surprise, probably because she wasn’t expecting an answer.

“you remind me of a paper cut.” yena says, words coming out of her mouth before she’s even able to stop herself. she’s not even sure why she chose those exact words. she sees yuri’s smile drop quickly, and she’s not quite sure why, but yena feels something in her heart prickle, and there’s that burning feel again.

“w-what?” yuri asks uncertainly. yena grimaces at how the former looks. she looks so lost and hurt. yena might have felt a prickle, but there’s a flame now, big enough to burn down her rib cages. instead of attributing it to feeling bad, she throws it to irritation.

“you’re like a paper cut,” yena says again simply. “you’re small but when you get them it stings like hell.”

yena will pretend she doesn’t feel her heart shaking when yuri starts frowning and she looks hurt. and yena feels like shit. she feels her own eyes quiver and she’s not exactly sure why she’s doing this or why she’s feeling bad, she just is.

“i-” yuri stutters and tries to find an adequate response, her brain not working properly. there’s a pause in the conversation and all is still (and awkward, where they’re both just having a staring contest.

“hey, my dudes.” yujin says cooly as she climbs into the seat beside yena, yuri breaking eye contact to greet yujin.

she lost the staring competition.

(not that it matters, yena’s going to lose much more)

wonyoung enters in not a second later, sending a smile to yuri before she’s back to glaring at yena with full might.

“hi,” wonyoung greets curtly, gaze directly upon yena.

“hey, i just remembered i left the stove in my dorm on, sorry! gotta go!” yena says as she brushes past yujin who splutters begins her. 

“yena wait!” yujin calls, but yena has already pushed past the glass door that separates the cafe and the real world. “we don’t even have a stove…”

 

—

 

“choi yena!” yena scuttles towards the closet when she hears yujin’s voice from the hallways, obviously in distress because of a particular someone.

she squeaks as she pushes herself into the cupboard and lets the door shut behind her. she hears the dorm door open and the loud stamping of angry feet on the carpet, and yena knows she shouldn’t fool around at a time like this when yujin is this angry.

“choi yena, where are you, come out now.” yujin grumbles under her breath, soft but full of authority that makes yena want to step out of her hiding spot, but she doesn’t. she hears more doors shutting and shuffling of feet, yujin obviously just throwing every door she sees open.

yena’s heart stops beating temporarily when the closet door is thrown open and she’s greeted by a very pissed of yujin, a flame in her eyes. she’s seen this look before, but never directed quite at her.

(except that one time yena are the last slice of pizza while yujin was in the toilet)

“hi,” yena says dumbly. yujin huffs at this response, rolling her eyes. “um, mind closing the door? i’m trying to sleep?”

“sure,” yujin snorts with not much humour intended before she’s tugging at yena’s arm for her to come out. she sighs, knowing there’s nothing she could do except surrender to yujin.

“you’re going to apologise to yuri,” yujin points accusingly at yena and folds her arms afterwards, her piercing gaze in yena.

“what? why?” yena asks, pouting. she knows why she should apologise, it’s just that she always gets a burning in her chest every time she sees the girl, and she’d rather not face that.

“because you’ve been a dick to her,” yujin huffs, stepping intimidatingly close to yena when she finally steps out of the cupboard. “a real big dickhead.”

“i haven’t!” yena protests, although it’s just weak. “i-i swear i don’t mean to, words just come out of my mouth before i know it.”

“stop giving excuses, yena, you’ve been mean and you know it.” yujin huffs and sits down on yena’s bed. “i just don’t understand why, you’re not this mean to anyone else.”

“maybe it’s because she isn’t just anyone else,” yena mumbles under her breath but yujin catches it and she glares at her. “sorry.”

“you shouldn’t be saying that to me,” yujin points out. “yuri likes chocolate chip cookies and the colour lilac.”

“why are you telling me this?” yena asks dumbly.

“because, you’re apologising.” yujin grits out, rolling her eyes. “you’ll thank me later.”

“or not,” yena murmurs, sighing when yujin finally gets off a bed, throwing a look to yena before returning to her own bed and using her phone.

 

—

 

yena sits in the cafe, sakura watching with a judging gaze from the counter. she has a transparent tupperware container that’s a shade of purple with chocolate chips inside, and it’s placed inside a paper bag. she’s not really waiting for yuri, she’s more of waiting for courage to come knocking at her door so that she could ask yuri to meet her at the cafe.

“kid, what are you doing.” sakura asks, exiting the counter and dragging a chair to sit beside yena. “you’re thinking really loudly and chasing my customers away.”

“yeah right, everyone knows no one comes in in fridays.” yena mumbles, her fingers drumming s certain beat on the white table.

“god, kid, whatever you wanna do, just do it already, your nerves are radiating everywhere.” sakura sighs and smacks the hands that’s drumming rhythms into the table, her tone annoyed but yena knows she’s trying to be supportive.

“really, yena, whatever is stopping you, it’s okay.” sakura shrugs like it’s nothing and yena frowns. what if it wasn’t all okay? 

“okay,” yena breathes. “okay, i can do this.”

“yes you can, now do it.” sakura clenches her fist and raises it up to her head level, punching the air once. “fighting!”

yena hums and presses the power button to her phone and goes into the one chat past yena had told future yena not to contact.

yena:  
hey, yuri, are you free?

don’t contact:  
yena?  
yeah, i’m free.

yena:  
good, meet me at the  
cafe now?

don’t contact:  
okay ,,

yena heaves a relieved sigh as soon as she shuts off her phone and bangs her head not so gracefully into the table, a silent groan escaping her mouth.

“wasn’t so hard, right?” sakura pats the girl’s head along the way to clear a table. yena rolls her eyes in response, because it was actually really difficult, but maybe that’s the dumb yena talking.

yena switches her phone on a second time and opening some random game to keep her mind and fingers busy and distracted from the real task.

however, when the door opens a few minutes later, and yena sees a yuri in a dark red cardigan, a plain white shirt and sweatpants on, her hair let down, yena can’t help the flame in her chest.

except she’s starting to questions really why there was a flame to her chest. yuri wasn’t doing anything mildly annoying, just walking in and breathing.

it’s probably her presence.

(except it’s not)

“hi,” yuri smiles sweetly at yena and she bites her lips. yena is left there awkwardly looking up at yuri. how can a girl she’s been such an asshole to be so sweet to her?

“um hi,” yena clears her throat, reaching for her bottle of water because she had a really dry throat. weird, it wasn’t that dry before.

“hi,” yuri says again, her feet shuffling and yena realises she’s been standing for too long.

“oh you can sit,” yena points to the chair in front of her, taking a sip of water while yuri gets herself comfortable in her seat. when she’s settled down, yena notices she’s playing with the sleeves of the cardigan.

cute.

yucks.

yena shook the thought out of her head before she’s trying to give a smile to yuri, who’s sitting nervously in front of her. she pushes the paper bag towards yuri.

“for you,” yena mutters softly, but yuri catches it and her eyes go comically wide. yena would have laughed at her if they weren’t in this situation. “i’m sorry for being so mean to you.”

“it’s okay!” yuri says immediately, taking the paper bag down and peeking into it slightly, gasping when she notices the condiments.

“a-are you not mad at me?” yena asks. don’t get her wrong, she’s really grateful that yuri isn’t showing much signs of resent, but it’s weird…

yena doesn’t understand why she isn’t being mean too, it’s not fair. yuri forgives too easily. there’s a tugging down in her gut and she recognised it easily as guilt because really, yena deserved to be screamed at, shouted at. not.. forgive.

(except yuri forgives and apologises too easily)

“why would i be mad at you?” yuri asks, tilting her head to the side, as if she was confused. yena splutters, guilt really tying her tongue up.

“i mean… i’ve been nothing but mean to you…” yena says, looking down in shame, poking a tongue at her cheek as she relishes in how she’s been such an asshole.

“it’s okay,” yuri smiles instead, unaware of the inner turmoil in yena’s head.

“what?” yena asks, head whipping up to look into yuri’s dark brown orbs. she’s never really looked at her in the eyes before, and yena has just realised they’re really… really easy to get lost into.

“yena?” yuri asks, waving a hand in front of the girl’s stoned face, afraid that she’d made her mad again. “are you there?”

too lost.

“um yeah, sorry, i just remembered something…” yena says, clearing her throat. “what were you saying?”

“nevermind,” yuri giggles lightly. “it doesn’t matter.”

yena will frown because everything yuri says has always been important. she doesn’t quite realise when she turned soft for the girl, but she’s thinking about her eyes and the way they look so soft.

yena will return to her dorm and wonder why yuri’s eyes are so easy to get lost in.

she’ll wonder why she was so mean to the girl.

and she’ll wonder why the girl seems to have mazes trapped in her eyes.

 

—

 

from then on, it’s like spiraling down into a friendship she never asked for with yuri. sure, it was slightly surprising, considering the amount of hatred she held for the girl. it’s still pleasant, though. currently, the only issue yena was slightly worried about was wonyoung.

or yuri’s really, really, overprotective best friend.

every time yena has glanced at her, she looks like she’s either five seconds away from stabbing yena with a knife, or five seconds away from strangling yena.

(yena prefers the third option, which is living, obviously)

despite all that, yuri and yena find out they have a hell lot of things in common. they both like singing, dancing, memes, and yena likes playing games while yuri likes watching games being played, it works out like that.

yena plays, yuri watches.

they’ll figure out they also love horror movies.

(not really)

“come on, yena!” yuri whines tugging at yena’s arm. “watch this horror movie with me please?”

“no,” yena sighs, she won’t give in. “i can’t watch horror movies, yul, you know that!”

“actually, i don’t know, you’ll have to watch with me to find out.” yuri laughs. “please? no one wants to watch it with me, i’ll protect you, i swear.”

“i don’t know why everyone thinks you’re a sweetheart,” yena points out, side-tracking from the real task. “you’re really not.”

(but really, yena can feel herself giving in slowly)

“oh come on! don’t be lame, stop switching topics, i’m smarter than that!” yuri giggles, poking at yena’s cheeks. “please?”

“no,” yena sighs, she can’t watch horror movies. seriously, watch her scream in her seat.

“please?”

“oh god, fine! fine, okay?” yena shouts, fingers raising up to cover her ears. “stop it already.”

“thank you!” yuri giggles lightly, tugging yena into a hug, staying like that for approximately a second before yena realises her hands have been blocking the way. she won’t admit it, but it’s kind of nice. the hug.

“will you let go of me?” yena asks, voice not really threatening, she’s just saying it for the sake of it.

“aw, why are you playing hard to get?” yuri asks, squeezing her arms tighter around yena and burying her face in yena’s neck. 

“i’m not,” yena whines. she’s not quite sure if she should hug yuri back, after all this whining, she really can’t tell if that’s… correct. “hmph.”

“you big baby,” yuri chuckles, leaning back and taping yena’s cheek with her right hand before completely un-hugging yena. “i’ll go now, but tomorrow 7pm, we’ll meet for the scare of our lives, alright?”

“i still don’t know why i agreed to this,” yena sighs, but a glance at the smile on yuri’s face, she knows she’s made the right choice.

 

—

 

yena did not make the right choice.

turns out, neither of them can take horror movies.

“let’s go, yuri!” yena almost screams at the girl who cowers at the mall’s exit, too afraid to step foot out of the dark, non-starry night skies. “oh god, why did you choose to watch this movie at night.”

“i don’t know but-i’m-really-scared-can-you-hold-me,” the words tumble out of yuri’s mouth in a rush and yena doesn’t hesitate for even a second and hooks an arm around yuri’s shoulder. sue her, yena’s scared too and maybe she’s also looking for comfort.

“we can do this!” yena pants, as if she’s been running a marathon, but really, she’s just thinking of how dark the skies really seem to be and the amount of corners there are in the building. something could really pop out from there.

“ahhh!” yena screams as her eyes catch something in the corner, and yuri screams along, hands covering her ears due to reflex. “oh god it’s nothing.”

“hhhhh can we just go?” yuri suggest but yena scoffs.

“really? i’m not the one rooted to the ground here.” yena huffs out.

“yeah, you’re not the only one,” yuri adds. “i’ll give you that.”

“okay cool but i really want to go home.” yena says, lifting up her hand. “tick-tock, it’s late.”

“you don’t even have a watch,” yuri argues.

“yeah and you don’t have the courage to do this,” yena points out smugly, before realising the situation they were both trapped in.

“okay, if i go, you’ll go with me too.” yuri says, but her voice shakes. yena laughs a little at this, but nods.

“alright sure,” yena nods, pulling a straight face and trying to look less afraid. “in 3, 2, 1!”

from that moment onwards, yena can register nothing but the sounds of harsh footsteps against concrete and screaming that comes from everywhere.

(probably from herself)

but yena’s laughing and she can hear giggles that definitely don’t belong to her. she feels a flare in her chest and her laughter dies down a little but really, the fire can’t burn her smile down.

but she still isn’t less confused. she’s always associated the fire to irritation, but right now, she’s smiling and it feels like nothing can bring her down.

why does her chest still burn?

 

—

 

“yena, you’re as dense as a rock.”

“aww, that’s sweet yujin, thanks for telling me i rock!” yena says, sarcasm evident in her tone. maybe yujin wasn’t the best person for advice, but really, she just lacks friends.

“not to be mean, per say, but yena, what the fuck.” yujin deadpans, yena doesn’t have to look at her face to know yujin has that ‘are you kidding me right now’ look on her face.

“no i’m serious,” yena says towards the ceiling. both laying down comfortably on their beds, yena had decided to ask what it means to have tingly weird burny sensations in your chest.

“well, serious, you’re slightly dumb.” yujin sighs and from the corner of yena’s eyes, she sees yujin being a hand up, probably to massage her nose bridge. turning around just confirms that.

“no, really, i don’t understand.” yena tries again, hoping maybe third time’s the charm and yujin will finally offer her some real advice instead of just telling yena how dumb this all was.

“okay, fine.” yujin sighs, and yena sees her shut her eyes momentarily as if she couldn’t really believe what yena was saying right now.

“didn’t you like hyewon before?” yujin asks abruptly and yena stuns at the question. 

“hyewon? what does she have got to do with this?” yena says after she catches the breath that she had lost somewhere in her throat. she thought she wouldn’t have been able to say her name without a breakdown.

instead, yena looks at the ceiling and realises, hyewon really isn’t a big part of her life anymore. she no longer feels a sizzle in her heart when she hears her name, instead it’s just a tiny ‘oh’. 

perhaps yena has learnt that you’ll never forget someone, but along the way, you’ll learn to let go of everything you’ve been holding on to. 

wait, hold on, back track.

a sizzle in her heart?

burning?

“yuri is hyewon?” yena asks, gasping.

“what? no! oh my god you’re so dense.” yujin groans and flips herself over in her bed. “okay, whatever, you’re going to realise sooner or later.”

“no but i thought it was irritation at first, that’s why i really hated her.” yena taps her chin in contemplation. she hears a muffled scream from the side and frowns. 

“how did i become friends with someone so stupid,” yujin speaks into the pillow but all yena manages to catch is ‘stupid’.

“okay, just tell me what to do.” yena sighs, covering her face with her hands. she’s barely sure why the burning is returning, because, it had disappeared after yena had started being friends with her, as if the fire had been put out with buckets of sand.

but recently, there’s a spark again and her heart must be a forest because no flame should be able to spread so quickly.

“yena, i love you, really, but this?” yujin says, turning around to face yena. “i don’t think i should tell you this.”

“why not?” yena pouts.

“it’s one of life’s mysteries, i don’t know why you’re so dumb.” yujin mutters the last part under her breath, but yena catches it anyway.

“no, the only possibility i can think of is that i like yuri which is—” yena pauses, letting her own words sink through the thick skull of her and into her brain. “wait.”

“that’s not what you’re implicating is it? haha, that’s not a possibility.” yena rambles, but uncertainty has creeped into her voice, backstabbing her.

“i don’t know, yena, it really isn’t mine to fight.” yujin shrugs casually and they fall into silence after that, yena submerging into her own thoughts.

 

—

 

honestly, beginnings of school years aren’t really that special. while people make it out to be some big event where it’s like, new year new me, yena doesn’t believe in that sort of bullshit.

however, she believes in how yujin and her should definitely not stay in the same dorm rooms anymore. while yena obviously loves the former, she gets a little too messy for yena’s liking, and yena really wants them both to make new friends this year.

or yuri has just asked yena to be roommates with her and yena just can’t bring herself to decline when she has that really adorable puppy eyes just latched onto her eyes.

it’s actually unfair at this rate, that yuri gets to be the cute one.

but she can’t bring herself to say this to yujin either, because they’ve always been sticking to the bros before hoes code. not that yuri was a hoe, it’s more like bros before really cute and adorable future wife-material people.

so she doesn’t express this to yujin.

 

—

 

“yena, what about we just not get a sofa for our dorm.” yuri suggests, sipping juice out of her metal straw, wincing when she bites it. “i keep forgetting i can’t bite these things.”

yena snorts and leans against the cafe’s table. she spots sakura eyeing them for the counter, but she shrugs when sakura mouths ‘girlfriends’.

she’s not going to deny it because that’s what she wants, not necessarily what she’ll get because she’s a coward.

“are you listening to me?” yuri tilts her head to the side and waves a hand in front of yena. yena turns her head back to look at her and immediately regrets it because yuri is pouting. 

“sorry,” yena mutters and turns towards the table before she does something stupid (like kissing her pout off her face) and instead chooses to admire the designs on the table. “what were you saying?”

“the sofa,” yuri giggles when she sees yena’s duck-like lips. at least that’s what yena thinks she’s laughing at. “you look like a gold fish.”

“i don’t!” yena shoots up immediately and wipes her lips, frowning. “but yeah, okay, the sofas we don’t need them.”

yena smiles as she leans forward into the table and rest her head on her hands. “what about you?”

there’s no response at first, yuri just staring at yena, as if she was frozen in place. yena’s starting to think she’s done something wrong when she notices the close proximity between them both. she’s about to retract when words fall out of yuri’s mouth.

“i like you,” yuri whispers, as if the words were some secret that wasn’t supposed to be let out, and they probably weren’t, but yena caught on to them. she wishes she hadn’t, because now she’s frozen in place too, her mind whirling.

yuri likes her. like-likes her. yena feels a shudder course through her body. she feels her gaze drop down to yuri’s lips and almost kisses her. almost.

don’t you just hate the word almost.

because yena almost confesses back, but panic will engulf her body and she’ll pause there, and suddenly her only option is to reject her.

“i don’t… don’t like you like that,” yena regrets her words almost immediately, because she sees how yuri recoils and insecurity flashes through her eyes. 

“oh,” yuri breathes out. 

“i-i’ll go now,” yena clears her throat before she dashes out of the cafe, her head feeling heavy, heavier. her limbs feel too long and her eyes burn.

her chest burns, but this time, it’s no longer a passionate fire that ignites sparks. instead, it burns numbly, more cold than warm, more ice than flames.

her chest has been ignited with shame, and no one will be there to bring her head out of it.

 

—

 

“this is stupid,” yena huffs and smashes the button to pick up a soft toy bear that she’s been attempting to pick up for the last fifteen tries. she’s barely frustrated at the fact that she’s wasted so much money on this, she’s more frustrated that she’s so stupid.

“it is,” yujin says.

“you’re supposed to say ‘no it’s not yena, i think..’ ugh,” yena throws her hands up in the air when the claw doesn’t pick the bear up. she also can’t figure out another response that isn’t ‘wow you’re so stupid’. because yena is, objectively speaking, stupid.

“yena, you can just tell her you like her,” yujin points out for one, passing yena a lollipop after yena had complained about finishing her last one. 

“it’s not that easy,” yena groans and hits her head against the glass window that separates the toys and her. “just like this dumb game.”

“i don’t even understand why you can’t just say you like her,” yujin shrugs. “i mean, if i were you, i would, she already likes you back.”

“yeah but i rejected her…” yena sighs, peeling off the wrapper of the lollipop. “and now it’s awkward.”

“sure,” yujin sighs. “it’s not going to be awkward if you don’t let it be.”

“it’s too late for that,” yena sighs, frustrated at herself. she kneels down and slots more tokens into the machine that eats up her money.

“yeah but you could’ve just confessed, what’re so afraid of?”

“what if she doesn’t like the fact that i have a soulmate?” yena looks up at yujin, the neon lights that flash behind her are a distraction she chooses to ignore.

“yena, we both know that’s not the real reason.” yujin raises an eyebrow at yena who scoffs and looks back down at her own game. “i’m serious.”

“how would you know?” 

“well, you weren’t this afraid when it was hyewon.” yujin says.

“but yuri’s different,” yena sighs, leaning her head against the glass. “i’m afraid.”

“of what exactly?” yujin asks, her voice soft. 

“that i’ll lose her,” yena speaks into the air. it leaves a bitter taste on her tongue that even the lollipop isn’t able to overpower. the strawberry melts and dabs away, leaving behind what tastes like sour and bitter.

“i’ll lose yuri like i lost hyewon,” yena says quietly. she’s not sad that she’s lost hyewon anymore. however, that said, yena hasn’t erased her from her life completely either. she’s become a piece, an artefact of the journey it took to reach to where she was.

it made and broke yena.

“yeah, but you won’t know if you won’t try,” yujin says, her voice encouraging and she nudges yena’s shoulder. “yuri doesn’t seem like the type.”

“because she’s such a sweetheart?” yena asks, blowing the hair out of her face. “i’m scared of that too, like i’ll ruin her innocence.”

“you shouldn’t be,” yujin shrugs. “she may be sweetheart but she’s obviously been broken.”

“you’re not ruining anything, yena.”

“except yourself.”

 

—

 

yena:  
hey….

yuri:  
hi!

yena:  
about the roommate thing…  
i don’t think i wanna do it  
anymore

yuri:  
oh  
that’s fine!!

yena sighs and rubs her eyes tiredly. she can feel yuri’s sadness through the screen, and maybe it’s mixing together with her own pain and it’s hurts, hurts, hurts.

but yena won’t say anything because she’s a coward who only knows how to hurt herself and everyone around her. really, these past days have just been insecurities biting away at her. they’ve gobbled up her toes, her legs, her stomach, and her heart may as well be next.

“why am i so difficult,” yena mutters and covers her face with her hands, digging her palms into her eye sockets.

“maybe i should just tell her,” yena says to no one in particular, just mindless words into the air, hoping the wind will sweep it away. instead, the words will bounce off the walls of her dorm and back into her ears.

yena roughly snatches her phone from the bedside stand and shoves the earpiece into her ears, turning on some random remix and putting it on high volume before deciding maybe she wanted to listen to sad songs more.

to drown herself in pity, of course.

it really isn’t that hard, confessing to someone who you know already likes you back.

what isn’t that easy is getting over your fear of people leaving you. the less you attach yourself to people, the less you’ll lose.

except human connections cease to be so simple. feelings for someone will develop, quickly or not. feeling something for someone, negative or positive, is inevitable.

you’re always going feel attached to something, or someone, and maybe you’ll lose them in the end, who knows.

unless you take the leap, step off the ledge and try. 

if they survive the fall, their love could outshine the stars.  
but that’s a very big if.

 

—

 

yuri’s always been good at observing. when she was twelve and the oven seemed to be acting a little strange, by the way it vibrated a little more than it should, she turned it off quickly, only to be told later by her parents that she’d done a great job because the oven could’ve exploded if she hadn’t seen it quick enough.

something about leakage.

she’s always been good at observing, so when she’s turned thirteen and she notices the way her parents stop giving each other hugs, stop coming home at the right time, even if it was just a teeny hour too late. she notices when there’s quiet arguments in her parent’s bedrooms, hushed voices fighting about things too small for yuri’s head to wrap around.

it’s just a phone.

it’s just money.

it’s just… yuri.

yuri’s always been good at observing, so when she’s turned fourteen and she moves away from her father, she sees the way there’s a tear that slips down his cheek as they wave goodbye. he wipes it away quickly, though.

yuri’s always been good at observing, so now that she’s nineteen, she sees the way yena will starts sticking to the opposite side of the walls whenever she walks past, or how she’ll take an opposite route whenever she spots yuri from afar.

she observes how yena puts a hood up wherever she goes, something she’s barely done before, yuri feels a twinge of guilt, thinking maybe she was the reason for that. but a bigger part of her tells her she’s irrelevant, and yena isn’t going to be thinking about her, even if the thoughts were negative.

but she can hope, right?

so when yuri’s had a really crappy day, mindless lectures and endless monotonous voices, she’s walking back to her dorm, when she knocks into someone. she feels hot liquid splash onto her pants and she can’t help find this situation oddly familiar.

except this time, clad in a dark blue hoodie and jeans, is the one girl who’s been avoiding her for the past few weeks. 

“sorry!” her innocent eyes glance up and widen as they latch onto yuri’s face. she splutters and yena’s cheeks go red, quickly looking down to avoid eye contact.

“i guess i don’t owe you pants anymore,” yuri shrugs casually, even though the pulse in her wrist beats faster than normal, a train driving on bumpy roads. “an eye for an eye, pants for a pants.”

she sees how yena still looks shocked but there’s a quirk in her lips that yuri grasps onto. any hope is hope, even if hope is far.

“but i owe you coffee,” yuri says, glancing down at the spilt drink on her pants. “and you owe me milk.”

“what?” yena asks, confused.

“milk and coffee aren’t interchangeable,” yuri says, going unnervingly close to yena’s face. “you’re going to have to buy me milk, and i’ll buy you coffee in exchange.”

“w-what?” yena asks again. yuri rolls her eyes in response.

“i said, let’s go to the cafe, you owe me milk, i owe you coffee.” yuri smiles. “let’s go!”

“but your pants,” yena gives a weak excuse, uncertain. her eyes are still wide, like a deer.

“hm, you’re right.” yuri sighs. “are you free?”

“what?”

“do i have to repeat everything i say?”

“no… i’m free.” yena says, fingers playing with the hem of her hoodie.

“good!” yuri grins at the girl. she quickly grabs onto her hands and leads them towards her dorm.

“w-where are we going?” yena asks. yuri hums in response.

“to my dorm,” yuri says, but it’s more like a question. she’s trying to ask if yena’s okay with this.

this is only all an act, and yuri’s always been a good observer, not an actor. so when she tightens her grip around yena’s hands, she won’t admit her hands were trembling. and if yena notices, she says nothing about it, choosing to keep her mouth shut.

acts are only acts, no matter how hard you try. you’ll never become the character you built. because if buildings can be built up, they can be taken down too, scraped back to square one. except there’ll always be traces of the buildings before, left behind as marks, or scars. those are the consequences of acting.

“okay,” yena mumbles unsurely under her breath. she hears how yuri takes in a shaky breath, as if in relief she hadn’t objected.

“i’ll go and get new pants and then change, you can just chill on my bed or something, if my roommate is there, just say hi.” yuri hums. yena’s always been the social type, but she’s slightly afraid this shell-shocked version of yena won’t be able to get a word out to her roommate.

yuri have the key into her door violently and twists the door knob not so gracefully, throwing the door open.

“hitomi?” yuri calls out, even though there’s no need to, the dorm room was tiny enough.

(it would have been her and yena’s shared dorm room if yena hadn’t pulled out)

her voice just rings through the room, and a girl with mochi cheeks clad in light pink pyjamas peeks out from her desk.

“yuri?” hitomi squints. 

“this is yena, i’m going to go change my pants before we’re going back out!” yuri says, giving a salute to the girl before she’s grabbing the nearest jeans she can see and running into the toilet.

in there, she leans her back against the toilet door and pants. yuri’s not an athletic person, but honestly, who knew one could sweat so much just by walking to their dorm.

(it’s not really about walking it’s more about who you’re walking with)

she closes her eyes and tries to calm her heart beat. her fresh jeans feel less soaked than the old ones and she feels like she can do this. but she really can’t.

a thought occurs to her that she has to keep up with this cool girl act for the next few hours — and if things go well, maybe lesser — and she’s not quite equipped for this. years of roleplaying as a five year old child doesn’t quite prepare you for real life situations.

but she’s going to keep the cool girl act if she actually wants to bring yena somewhere. and she’s going to need to be calm for this, even though every time she sees yena, she’s punched in the gut by purple butterflies.

purple because yena’s always been violet in yuri’s eyes. because ultraviolet is always seen in her eyes, and lilac has always been her favourite colour. violet is only a few shades darker.

so yuri will inhale and push open the door, the purple butterflies swarming around her, trying to be calming but it isn’t quite working with how overwhelming it really is. instead, she’ll plaster on a grin and wave goodbye to hitomi, take yena’s hand and then they’ll walk out and away, to the cafe where they’ll finally get what they want.

(coffee and milk, of course)

(or not)

“you know the cafe doesn’t sell milk, right?” yena asks after a short while of walking. their paces are matched and they’re both side by side now, but yuri’s still holding on to yena’s hand.

“then where do you suggest we go?” yuri hums. yena’s voice has raised back an octave to her normal pitch and volume, no longer sounding like a scared hamster and maybe showing some resemblance of being brave.

yuri’s the complete opposite. her palms have gone sweaty and it feels like yena’s hand is going to slip out of her grip any second. but yena must sense this because she tightens her grip on yuri’s hand and the latter inhales sharply, cheeks going red at the unexpected action.

she clears her throat and dart her eyes down to the road. 

“i suggest we go to a convenience store,” yena hums and this time, instead of yuri leading yena, yena takes yuri’s hand and walks a few paces in front of yuri, shooting her a grin before she’s walking.

the butterflies are a real punch in the gut, and they flurry around yuri’s stomach. she can’t help but send a smile back.

she doesn’t really understand why yena’s so confident all of a sudden, but she doesn’t mean to question it, not when the other girl is leading her away so carefully, holding her hand as if it were something precious.

“so,” yuri says, clearing her throat and breaking the silence that had fallen upon them so easily, so peacefully. except buried underneath the grains of quiet were unspoken words.

“so,” yena repeats after her. both of their confidences are breaking. acts don’t last forever, that’s why movies end. 

“i guess we have to talk?” yuri chuckles as they slow to a stop outside the convenience store, yena stretching out a hand to push the door open, strolling inside. she never once lets go of yuri’s hand.

“yeah,” yena breathes out.

“you know, for someone who’s been avoiding me, you’re quite confident.” yuri says teasingly, just to break the tense atmosphere. she sees how pink blossoms on yena’s cheeks and how she turns away, looking for a drink in the freezer.

“i thought you were getting coffee?” yuri asks.

“i’d rather not,” yena mumbles as her eyes take through the different drinks, settling for some orange juice.

yuri takes this chance to grab a drink of her own, but she doesn’t spend too much time contemplating it. it doesn’t quite matter.

“i’ll pay for yours, you’ll pay for mine.” yuri says warmly, interchanging their drinks and walking up to the counter with swift footsteps. she just wants to get out so they can actually talk.

when they’ve paid, they settle in an unoccupied bench, a table in front of them. they’re both facing the window, and not quite at each other. 

“sorry,” yena starts after a long minute of silence, both not really knowing what to say. “for rejecting you.”

“it’s okay,” yuri rushes out. “um… i’d rather you have rejected me than have led me on.”

yuri’s eyes crinkle up, but yena sees the sadness in the wrinkles and her heart shrivels painfully. there’s a smile playing on yuri’s lips, but they both know it wasn’t quite it.

“i’m sorry,” yena says again, and yuri’s about to tell her she’s already forgiven her when yena continues. “for not confessing too.”

“what?” yuri blanches. 

“i’ve always been a coward,” yena whispers. there’s not a lot of people around them, but whispering feels more private, feels safer, as if their secrets would be bound together tightly in the stillness of the air. “and this time is no different.”

“sorry, for being a coward.” yena sighs and lays her head down in the table, her hands cushioning her head from the hard surface. yuri follows suit, and they’re both facing each other now, even if yena casts her eyes downwards.

“you don’t have to apologise for that,” yuri says, but this time her eyes are slightly brighter than yena normally sees, and it doesn’t take much to feel the flaming in her chest this time.

except the flames evolve into pink butterflies that punch her chest. if yuri’s a thief, she must have stolen her lungs, because yuri’s always managed to take her breath away.

“so what i’m trying to say is,” yena heaves, but she sees the encouraging and hopeful look in yuri’s eyes, the stars reflecting every thought she has. “i like you.”

yuri shoots up right at the statement and bubbly giggles exit her mouth like tunes. 

“really?” yuri squeals excitedly, as if she were a child getting what she wanted for christmas.

(not socks)

“yeah,” yena exhales but her chest feels less heavy and she’s able to lift her head off the table. she feels her lips tugging up and she doesn’t stop it, instead she lets it form into a grin, hoping it conveys how happy she is.

yuri falls onto yena in a heap of giggles and wraps her arms around yena, her chin resting on yena’s shoulder comfortably.

they become some sort of giggle heap monster afterwards, neither letting go of each other, instead tightening their grips.

“what made you so scared to confess?” yuri hummed against yena’s ear.

“just things,” yena sighs. it’s not the right time to talk about her ex. what a way it would be to kill the moment.

“you didn’t confess so nicely either,” yena giggles and pokes yuri’s cheeks.

“you accidentally confessed to me!” yena teased, cackling softly but whining when yuri leans backwards and out of the hug, her lips in a pout.

“you were pretty, okay?” 

“accidental confessions,” yena sighs dreamily. “not the way i wanted our relationship to work out.”

“like bob ross once said, we don’t make mistakes, we make happy little accidents.” yuri hums delightfully, and yena has never felt her heart so full.

“bob ross was right, i guess.” yena shrugs nonchalantly but the grin on her face says otherwise.

staring into yuri’s eyes, perhaps she’s managed to map out the maze that’s trapped in there. she’s not quite there yet, but she knows she’s going to reach the end, one day.

 

—

 

“i never thought i’d fall in love, you know?” yena says as her head lays in yuri’s lap, the shade of a tree covering them from the sun. although, yuri seems to have filled up that position already.

“why not?” yuri asks, fingers combing through yena’s hair. she’s picked up a flower now, just admiring the pretty blue that seems to fan out from the petals that were soft under her fingers.

“because i had a soulmate,” yena gulps, but the hand in her hair never stops its movements. “and i lost my soulmate when i was young.”

“i thought it was the universe’s way of telling me i wouldn’t be able to find love,” yena’s words convey pain, but in her eyes, there’s only yuri, and there’s not much pain to her. “and when i was sixteen, i dated this girl, but we didn’t work out.”

“but then now i have you,” yena closes her eyes. “and i guess i didn’t want to confess because i was scared i’d lose you too.”

“the less emotional connections, the less i’ll lose.” yena chuckles rather sadly.

“you’re not going to lose me,” yuri smiles at her, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “i’m here to stay.”

“don’t even think about getting rid of me,” yuri snickers, ruffling yena’s hair. the latter sits up abruptly and dramatically turns towards yuri, eyes intense.

“that thought has never once occured… yet.” yena shrieks when yuri smacks her arm playfully, loud giggles filling up the spaces in the air.

they might not have been soulmates, but not everyone is going to be connected by the stars, and maybe that’s okay. because along the way, their love will be embedded so deeply into the earth’s core, a love so raw and unique, that nothing will ever fight against it.

so they’ll make every every corner of the earth ‘their place’ and fold the weight of their pain into origami cranes and place them in their hearts, for they’ll share the weight of each other’s pain.

soulmates might be rocket science, but falling in love isn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> so,, i tried!! um if you wanna find me or something on twt i’m @yulqyen,, and drop a comment please ,, and don’t scream at me i’m sensitive


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